Not 10. . . not even 1

It's funny to me that there are people in the world who get pregnant so easily. For instance, the four high school girls (one a freshman) that my friend teaches at the somewhat small-ish town we live in.

And let's not forget the trip to the Emergency Dept. that another young woman took recently (another friend works as a nurse there)--not because she was bleeding or in pain--but because she wanted to know how far along she was. She was 37 weeks, by the way. This was her first visit to any type of healthcare provider.

But I have 10 good sized follicles (10 possible eggs?) and I can't manage to get pregnant with one baby?* I just don't get it.

More meds have been ordered from ivfmeds.com (I swear that site was sent straight from heaven for infertiles who can't afford thousands per month in meds alone). B/C pills start tonight (have to shrink those residual cysts!) and we'll start this whole thing over again in 3-4 weeks. Yippee.

I guess the movie van will have to wait.

In other news everyone in my house is over the influenza that took over us last week! Yay!

Springtime can't arrive soon enough! I need to get outside and plant something! Somehow, some way, new life will spring forth as a result of my hard work. . . even if it is only in the form of a dahlia (and, yes, I know this isn't a dahlia--apparently I didn't take a picture of any of my dahlias last year).

















*I'm aware that I actually HAVE managed to get pregnant in the past. After all, I have 2 boys and 2 miscarriages to prove it. I just mean--in general--why is it so easy in some cases (where the circumstances seem less than ideal) yet we are prepared emotionally and financially for another child and we have to jump through hoops of fire trying to get one? That's all I'm saying.

Over Achiever

Our cycle was cancelled on Thursday.

Apparently my right ovary is very prolific (okay, okay, stop laughing). I had 10 follicles measuring between 17 and 23 (or 22--I can't remember now) mm's. I was to trigger and call w/ a period. We weren't instructed to abstain but I think that was a small oversight on the part of the RE. Not an indication to go ahead.

However. . .

We went ahead. Yeah. We're nuts.

Update on that subject in 14 days. . . but I might need to write about something else (ANYthing else) before then. You'll just have to wait and see!

Priorities

As my 5yr old climbed into the car the other day after a day at the babysitter's house while I was at my appointment and then (gloriously!! alone!!) shopping, he asked, "Hey, Mommy? Do you have a baby in your tummy?" *

"No. Not yet. Hopefully sometime soon."

"Awwww, maaaan. I wanted to get a new movie van!"

Yeah. We haven't yet made the switch to a larger vehicle. We're still driving our Maxima. I love our Maxima. I don't want to give it up. But I will. For another baby. And N is anxious to get a van with a DVD player in it. He's seen it in a couple friends' cars and thinks it's just the greatest thing. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Personally, I enjoy when the kids and I are driving down the road 'dancing' to the music on the radio as we exchange looks in the rearview mirror. I'm afraid that would all go away. But it's cute that he now refers to all vehicles w/ DVD players as "movie vans".

I did ask him if that was the only reason he was hoping for another baby in Mommy's tummy and he assured me that he wanted a baby AND a movie van.

Whew.

*Now while we don't fill him in on all the gory details, we do let N know that we are going to the dr. to try to get a baby in Mommy's tummy again. He doesn't worry, then, when Mommy has to go to the dr 100 times per week.

New year. . . New outlook

Boy. . . I'm not off to a very good start with this thing, eh? I have a whole bunch of posts brewing in my head but finding the time to actually get them down is a whole other thing. . .

Anyway, here's the latest:

On treatment: We are in the middle of a cycle. I go on Thursday for b/w & u/s so we'll know more then. Dr. is tentatively thinking we'll be ready to trigger either Friday or Saturday night. My estrogen levels have "never looked this good this early before" so my Dr. was encouraged by that. I was as encouraged as I would allow myself to be. It's a LONG way between here and actually getting pregnant. And actually staying pregnant--well--we'll just have to wait and see. I turned 34 last week. Isn't that when your eggs magically start to whither up or something? I just have 34 stuck in my head from some infertility book (or something) as the beginning of the end of my already-limited ability to make a baby. Tick tock.

On housing: We sold our other house!!!! Woo hoo! It was a short sale and when we signed papers we weren't sure how we were going to pay the taxes on the short sale (see previous post) but on December 23rd, the senate passed the bill we were hoping for and we won't have to pay taxes on the short sale now!!! Yippee!! It's been a while since I felt the future looking so bright. It's a good feeling! A great feeling. That was a wonderful Christmas present we received from, of all people, the U.S. government. :) Almost restores my faith in them. Almost.

On my boys: I love them. So much. Everything we've been through has been so worth it to see them grow and play everyday. It's amazing and wonderful to see that, despite the almost-4-years between them, they are so close and play so well together. They are constantly asking eachother for a hug and are VERY quick to defend eachother from any 'threat'--real or imagined. What I wanted so badly to give N--and was afraid I'd never be able to--was that type of friendship, of family. No matter what happens from here, N has D. D has N. And I get to watch.

Bust. . . no. . . not mine

Well, this cycle was just that--a bust. I actually started spotting on Monday (was to test on Friday). I called the RE's office and was instructed to increase my prometrium, which I did. My body was determined, though, and by Wednesday is was VERY obvious there would be no reason to wake up any earlier than I wanted to the day after Thanksgiving to test. Oh well. I'm disappointed but that's really all I can say about it. We're taking a couple months off (I would have to take a month's worth of bc pills to shrink the cysts on my ovaries, anyway--always do). I don't want to be doing shots and heading to the RE's office (an hour's drive away) during the Christmas season. Just want to sit back and enjoy my kids enjoying the holidays. Not to mention we need to save a bit to buy the million (okay, 70) vials of medicine my stubborn ovaries require per cycle. Ugh.

On the house front. . . we have been in constant contact with our lender about the house. In case I haven't mentioned before, it's been for sale since March, empty since April and without offers of any sort--even low ones--until just recently. We had proposed a deed in lieu of foreclosure simply because we need to stop the hemorrhaging of money that's been going on in our lives for the past year while we paid two mortgages and, with no hint of any offers, we felt that was our only option. The deed in lieu was 'approved' and we agreed to lower the price of the house to about 30,000.00 less than we owe on it to try to get a short sale (it had already been listed at 20,000.00 and 25,000.00 less than we owe with no offers). If 90 days went by and we had no offers, we would proceed with the deed in lieu. With a little less than 60 days left, we received an offer for 34,000.00 less than we owe. The process is, I guess, that we submit the written offer, along with a prequalification letter from the prospective buyer's lender, to our lender. . . and wait. Apparently our lender has gained quite a reputation of taking their sweet-ass time deciding whether or not to approve short-sale offers. Sometimes taking as long as 4 months or more. Anyway, by the time realtor fees are paid, we will be about 45,000.00 short. If approved, the bank 'forgives' this portion of our loan and we receive a 1099 tax form at the end of the year. Yes, folks, that's right. The fact that the housing market PLUMMETED in that area and our house lost almost 25% of it's value isn't enough of a kick in the pants. Somehow the IRS figures that we owe income tax on the phantom income we received from the forgiveness of the debt or, rather, the decrease in the value of housing in our neighborhood--and everywhere else. Let's see. . . 28% of 45,000.00 equals about 12,600.00. That's money that is absolutely not in our savings account. It never was but after a year of paying two mortgages it most CERTAINLY is not there.

If you, too, think this is a crock of shit there is a bill in the senate (H.R. 3648--Google it) called the Mortgage Debt Relief Act (or something like that) that you can write your senator about. I realize this is late notice and the chances of our elected officials accomplishing something at this late stage of the game are slim to none, but. . . this would sure help us. This bill would make Mortgage Debt forgiveness (like we are facing) non taxable. Would be a big load off my mind but I'm, unfortunately, not very hopeful.

I had the opportunity to see Barack Obama speak the other night and as he was shaking hands after the appearance when he got to me I said, "I need to ask you a favor." He looked surprised and a little wary but asked what I needed. I said, "I'd like you to light a fire under some of your friends in the senate. There is a bill (and I told him the name and number of the bill) just sitting in the finance committee in the senate. It passed overwhelmingly with bipartisan support in the House, the president claims he will sign it if it reaches his desk but for almost 2 months it has gone nowhere in the Senate." I let him know that we were facing the short sale of our house in Moline, IL (Illinois is his home state, you know!) and were looking at owing income tax on 45,000.00 if the sale is approved. He put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "What happened??" I briefly explained our situation and then smiled and said, "I would REALLY like it if that were to pass this year!" One of his entourage took down my information and wrote the bill number and name down for follow-up. I don't really think anything will happen but I felt better having told my story to a member of the senate. Heck, I'd probably even caucus for the guy if that bill magically got 'un-stalled'. I'm a young mother in a key state--the very first state to caucus, if you must know--so maybe that will mean something.

Barack, are you listening? Were you? I sure hope so.

One week in. . .

. . . to the 2ww. I haven't posted in a while so here's an update:

I stimmed for, I don't know, what seemed like a long time. Possibly 2 entire weeks? Anyway, my crusty ovaries took a while to get into gear. For the last week I was taking 375 IU of Repronex each night. IM. That was pleasant. As is always the case with me, I had a bunch of follicles. The more dominant ones measured 23, 19, 18 and 16 at my last ultrasound. There were some on the left and some on the right. My left ovary is kind of tucked away so I don't know how much of a chance the 'lefties' have. C's count was good at 178 million for the IUI exactly one week ago today. My estradiol was 1203 or something like that at the last check (2 days before the IUI).

So now we wait. Truthfully, I haven't found this wait to be as agonizing as I found the 2ww when we were trying last time. I think that's partly because I am busier with my 2 boys than I was with 'just' one. I think also I probably have my defenses up. I don't want to get too hopeful, you know? But mostly--and this is just our little secret--I'm not very convinced this whole thing worked this time. I just don't feel it. I suppose I have what could be considered symptoms. . . I might list them later if I post again during the 'wait'. . . but for some reason my brain just doesn't want to make the leap to thinking this could be it.

I was excited to get started, for sure. And, of course I want a baby. I'm also starting to feel like I want to be done with the whole fertility scene. I don't have very much patience for it this time. It's much more of an inconvenience than it was before--at least it feels that way. And the shots hurt more. I didn't remember them hurting before. I am anxious for all of this not to be a factor in any of our decisions. Even after we had our son, D, I knew that we were eventually going to try one more time. We moved away for a time (didn't know then it wouldn't be for long) and one of the hardest things for me was leaving the doctors I had become so comfortable with. My husband got a new job. . . infertility insurance coverage was a concern. Money is always a factor with this kind of treatment--have to make those plans. . . I could go on but you get the picture. It affects everything.

On a lighter note, it might snow here on Thanksgiving. And possible sleet the night before. I think I might enjoy that. Then we could go eat at the family gathering that's here in town and forget the rest. Really get to enjoy the day with those that can come there and then head home to snuggle down with my boys.

Now THAT would be something to be thankful for. . .

Quickie Post

I am over my 'bitterness' for the time being. I am not, however, over the stomach flu that has taken over my life the past 48 hours. Icky. Very icky.

I haven't been this sick in years! Ugh!