Monday, November 26, 2007

Bust. . . no. . . not mine

Well, this cycle was just that--a bust. I actually started spotting on Monday (was to test on Friday). I called the RE's office and was instructed to increase my prometrium, which I did. My body was determined, though, and by Wednesday is was VERY obvious there would be no reason to wake up any earlier than I wanted to the day after Thanksgiving to test. Oh well. I'm disappointed but that's really all I can say about it. We're taking a couple months off (I would have to take a month's worth of bc pills to shrink the cysts on my ovaries, anyway--always do). I don't want to be doing shots and heading to the RE's office (an hour's drive away) during the Christmas season. Just want to sit back and enjoy my kids enjoying the holidays. Not to mention we need to save a bit to buy the million (okay, 70) vials of medicine my stubborn ovaries require per cycle. Ugh.

On the house front. . . we have been in constant contact with our lender about the house. In case I haven't mentioned before, it's been for sale since March, empty since April and without offers of any sort--even low ones--until just recently. We had proposed a deed in lieu of foreclosure simply because we need to stop the hemorrhaging of money that's been going on in our lives for the past year while we paid two mortgages and, with no hint of any offers, we felt that was our only option. The deed in lieu was 'approved' and we agreed to lower the price of the house to about 30,000.00 less than we owe on it to try to get a short sale (it had already been listed at 20,000.00 and 25,000.00 less than we owe with no offers). If 90 days went by and we had no offers, we would proceed with the deed in lieu. With a little less than 60 days left, we received an offer for 34,000.00 less than we owe. The process is, I guess, that we submit the written offer, along with a prequalification letter from the prospective buyer's lender, to our lender. . . and wait. Apparently our lender has gained quite a reputation of taking their sweet-ass time deciding whether or not to approve short-sale offers. Sometimes taking as long as 4 months or more. Anyway, by the time realtor fees are paid, we will be about 45,000.00 short. If approved, the bank 'forgives' this portion of our loan and we receive a 1099 tax form at the end of the year. Yes, folks, that's right. The fact that the housing market PLUMMETED in that area and our house lost almost 25% of it's value isn't enough of a kick in the pants. Somehow the IRS figures that we owe income tax on the phantom income we received from the forgiveness of the debt or, rather, the decrease in the value of housing in our neighborhood--and everywhere else. Let's see. . . 28% of 45,000.00 equals about 12,600.00. That's money that is absolutely not in our savings account. It never was but after a year of paying two mortgages it most CERTAINLY is not there.

If you, too, think this is a crock of shit there is a bill in the senate (H.R. 3648--Google it) called the Mortgage Debt Relief Act (or something like that) that you can write your senator about. I realize this is late notice and the chances of our elected officials accomplishing something at this late stage of the game are slim to none, but. . . this would sure help us. This bill would make Mortgage Debt forgiveness (like we are facing) non taxable. Would be a big load off my mind but I'm, unfortunately, not very hopeful.

I had the opportunity to see Barack Obama speak the other night and as he was shaking hands after the appearance when he got to me I said, "I need to ask you a favor." He looked surprised and a little wary but asked what I needed. I said, "I'd like you to light a fire under some of your friends in the senate. There is a bill (and I told him the name and number of the bill) just sitting in the finance committee in the senate. It passed overwhelmingly with bipartisan support in the House, the president claims he will sign it if it reaches his desk but for almost 2 months it has gone nowhere in the Senate." I let him know that we were facing the short sale of our house in Moline, IL (Illinois is his home state, you know!) and were looking at owing income tax on 45,000.00 if the sale is approved. He put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "What happened??" I briefly explained our situation and then smiled and said, "I would REALLY like it if that were to pass this year!" One of his entourage took down my information and wrote the bill number and name down for follow-up. I don't really think anything will happen but I felt better having told my story to a member of the senate. Heck, I'd probably even caucus for the guy if that bill magically got 'un-stalled'. I'm a young mother in a key state--the very first state to caucus, if you must know--so maybe that will mean something.

Barack, are you listening? Were you? I sure hope so.

Friday, November 16, 2007

One week in. . .

. . . to the 2ww. I haven't posted in a while so here's an update:

I stimmed for, I don't know, what seemed like a long time. Possibly 2 entire weeks? Anyway, my crusty ovaries took a while to get into gear. For the last week I was taking 375 IU of Repronex each night. IM. That was pleasant. As is always the case with me, I had a bunch of follicles. The more dominant ones measured 23, 19, 18 and 16 at my last ultrasound. There were some on the left and some on the right. My left ovary is kind of tucked away so I don't know how much of a chance the 'lefties' have. C's count was good at 178 million for the IUI exactly one week ago today. My estradiol was 1203 or something like that at the last check (2 days before the IUI).

So now we wait. Truthfully, I haven't found this wait to be as agonizing as I found the 2ww when we were trying last time. I think that's partly because I am busier with my 2 boys than I was with 'just' one. I think also I probably have my defenses up. I don't want to get too hopeful, you know? But mostly--and this is just our little secret--I'm not very convinced this whole thing worked this time. I just don't feel it. I suppose I have what could be considered symptoms. . . I might list them later if I post again during the 'wait'. . . but for some reason my brain just doesn't want to make the leap to thinking this could be it.

I was excited to get started, for sure. And, of course I want a baby. I'm also starting to feel like I want to be done with the whole fertility scene. I don't have very much patience for it this time. It's much more of an inconvenience than it was before--at least it feels that way. And the shots hurt more. I didn't remember them hurting before. I am anxious for all of this not to be a factor in any of our decisions. Even after we had our son, D, I knew that we were eventually going to try one more time. We moved away for a time (didn't know then it wouldn't be for long) and one of the hardest things for me was leaving the doctors I had become so comfortable with. My husband got a new job. . . infertility insurance coverage was a concern. Money is always a factor with this kind of treatment--have to make those plans. . . I could go on but you get the picture. It affects everything.

On a lighter note, it might snow here on Thanksgiving. And possible sleet the night before. I think I might enjoy that. Then we could go eat at the family gathering that's here in town and forget the rest. Really get to enjoy the day with those that can come there and then head home to snuggle down with my boys.

Now THAT would be something to be thankful for. . .

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Quickie Post

I am over my 'bitterness' for the time being. I am not, however, over the stomach flu that has taken over my life the past 48 hours. Icky. Very icky.

I haven't been this sick in years! Ugh!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Currently Pregnant Count

1. Friend--pg first month of trying
2. Friend--pg first month of trying (and by 'trying' I mean had sex twice)
3. Younger sister (oops--wasn't expecting to be pregnant again just yet)

More to come, I'm sure.

NotBitterYet is getting more and more bitter by the second. . .

Spinning My Wheels

I would really like to get this show on the road. I was on b/c pills during the second half of July because we knew we wanted to start our injectible/IUI cycle around the end of August and I just will NOT get a period without some sort of chemical assistance. I finished the last 'active' pill on Friday (8/17) and was supposed to call my RE's office with cycle day one.

Well. . . after waiting until Tuesday of the following week w/ no sign of any bleeding, I called my RE's office to see what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to come in for a saline ultrasound the following day. Wednesday morning I arrived for that and some bloodwork (thyroid and prolactin levels which were both fine). With the 'prep work' done and her ready to start the procedure, she starts the ultrasound, takes one look and stops everything. Apparently my lining was hugely thick. Measured 25 (millimeters?). She said she wouldn't be able to see anything w/ that much lining and put me on 10mg of provera each day for 10 days. In her words, a couple days after finishing the medicine I was going to have the "mother of all periods". I filled the rx and immediately took my first dose of provera (not the first time I've been on the stuff--but it's been a while). Thursday arrived and I had a small amount of bleeding. Friday came and I was definitely having a period.

I called the RE's office to ask what they wanted me to do. The nurse I spoke to told me to continue the provera and that they 'want me to bleed' and that was fine. She said I would probably bleed for a while until I had a couple more days of that medicine in my system. Fine with me. Today (Monday) I am STILL bleeding quite heavily. I called the RE's office again. Not because I was concerned about the bleeding. I understand the need to get rid of that thick lining. But they had told me to call them with my period that I got a few days after the provera was stopped (remember the 'mother of all periods'?). If I was going to just keep bleeding right on through the provera doses then at what point, exactly, was I supposed to call w/ my period??? I spoke to RE's assistant. We'll call her Dr. Patronizing. Upon picking up my call she immediately wanted to 'reassure' me that the bleeding was fine. This was something I already knew. I explained my question to her about when exactly I was supposed to call them w/ "cycle day one". She said (in a tone that made me have violent thoughts of reaching thru the phone line), "Well, if you're bleeding then you can stop the provera. And you were to call us with your first day of heavy bleeding. So when would have that been?" I said (trying desperately to maintain my composure), "On Friday--when I DID call you." Her response was, "Oh. Well. Let me call Dr. M and see what she'd like to do." Bitch. She called back a couple hours later. Guess what the 'plan' is? I am going to start a pack of b/c pills. And I'm supposed to call them with my NEXT period. Sound familiar? Another month of my life. . . down the effing drain.

I'm so sick of waiting. Waiting for my husband to get on a day shift. Waiting to look for a house that we really want to live in while we are waiting for our other DAMN house to sell. Waiting to put the house we are currently living in back on the market because we can't afford for this house to sell before the other house (our mortgage payment for this house is less than we would have to pay to rent a place--and we certainly can't afford MORE money each month right now). And now waiting ANOTHER month to start my inj/iui cycle.

This is one of those days when I can't listen to someone tell me to count my blessings. My response would be a knee-jerk


Friday, August 24, 2007

A million posts in my head. . . .

. . . but none of them seem quite right just now. So I will say this: A LONG time ago I used to keep journals. I loved writing. I think I still do. And these days there's so much to write about! I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband and two beautiful boys. That alone could fill a book. The title (possibly still a work in progress) of my blog comes from something that my Dad often says to me, "Count your blessings." Many times when he says it, it pisses me off. Because it's easy for him to say. And sometimes not so easy for me to do. Deep down I know he's probably right. But when you're in the thick of infertility treatment hell, miscarriage hell or paying-two-mortgages-for-a-year-with-no-end-in-sight hell it's hard to see those 'blessings'.

I am a 33 year old SAHM. I have PCOS. I got pregnant quickly with my first son. We were very surprised it was so easy b/c I've had very messed up cycles since I was 12. I bled a lot during that pregnancy but ended up with a healthy baby boy. The next 4 years would be filled with miscarriages, injections, bedrest and finally, another wonderfully healthy baby boy. Since then we've moved twice and we're right back (literally) where we started. Same house. Except now we own another house as well. It has been for sale since March. If anyone is here to tell me the housing market doesn't suck right now you will not leave with all of your appendages. More on that later.

That's a quick synopsis of my current state right now. Oh. And we've decided to try for one more baby. Because we're greedy. Because I always pictured myself (especially since meeting my husband) with a lot of kids. Because my husband's brother died 6 years ago and I often think how good it is that he still has his sister. What if there was only one other person who shared his childhood memories of growing up in that family and they were suddenly gone? How lonely that would feel? So 3 is our magic number.

Greedy. . . yes. Scared. . . hell yes.

Stay tuned.