I'm back (kind of)

I've been away for awhile. I'm going to try to post more. And I don't want it to be all about my most recent not-getting-pregnant.

So. I don't have time to write a real post but I enjoyed this so much lastnight that I had to share:

Yet again. . .

Tested this morning. BFN. My period is here (started a little lastnight so I'm not surprised).

I'm so tired of this.

Numbers

QUICK update. Saturday morning I had my appt. Follicles: one 17 on the left and a 15 and 18 on the right (and other smaller ones but. . . ). E2 was 549. LH was 1.8. She had me do 300 iu Repronex Sat night, 150 iu Repronex Sunday morning (trying to give that 15 a last boost) and trigger Sunday night. We will have IUI tomorrow (Tues) morning. I questioned the E2 but who am I? Seems low to me, though.

Lots of laundry calling my name!

There We Were Waving Brenda and Eddie Goodbye

Prelude/Angry Young Man
Allentown

The Entertainer

Vienna*

Zanzibar

New York State of Mind

Miami 2017

Don't Ask Me Why

Always a Woman

Root Beer Rag

Moving Out

Innocent Man

Keeping the Faith

River of Dreams

Highway to Hell

We Didn't Start the Fire

Big Shot

It's Still Rock 'n' Roll to Me

You May Be Right

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant**

Only the Good Die Young

Piano Man

That was the set list for the concert Tuesday night. I'm still on cloud nine. I loved every minute. Seeing Billy Joel in concert was on my bucket list. While I know I can now cross it off, that does not in any way mean that I would turn down tickets to see him again at any time in the future. Ever. We had seats behind the stage and they were actually awesome. We could see just about everything. The only thing that might have been better would have been standing along the edge of the stage like so many early 20-somethings were doing. (I couldn't help but notice they didn't REALLY get fired up until he played "River of Dreams" circa 1993. You know. Songs from their childhood. Ha.) I could have stayed all night and listened to him.

The news on the cycle-front: Wednesday morning the ultrasound wand and I had a tender moment together. It revealed 6 follicles on the left and 5 on the right ovary. The largest on the left measured 13-ish. The largest on the right was 12. My e2 (cycle day 9) was an unimpressive 168. I was told to continue w/ the same dose of Repronex (300IU) each night and come back Saturday morning to see what the magic wand reveals. . . ooooo. . . the anticipation of it all!

Tomorrow (Friday) my baby turns 2. I cannot believe 2 years ago tonight was the last night I was pregnant (may have been the last time I ever will be if something doesn't work around here soon).

*Very nice to hear this one since, I've read, it isn't usually included. My friend's favorite B.J. song so she was so happy!

**My personal favorite

Dancing

A friend of mine gave me tickets to see Billy Joel in concert tomorrow night. I'm not much of a concert go-er since the early 90's. My concert repetoire includes the likes of Whitesnake, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Bad English, & AC/DC, to name a few. My very first concert was Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. It was in a Ballroom. I'm actually proud of that one. My last was Bad Company in 1993. Anyway, I'm quite excited about Billy Joel. The best part is I'm going with 2 friends who really like his music, too.

I have to post briefly because there is a dance marathon going on in my living room right now. I turned off the TV and turned the radio on. The idea was to get me motivated to accomplish some housework (you can see how well it has worked so far) and I was listening to 'peppier' music than I normally do. I heard my 5 year old calling so I headed toward the sound of his voice. I found he and his almost 2 year old brother dancing their little toes off in the living room. N asked me, "Nice master moves, huh?" as he did a breakdance type spin on his back on the floor. I want to feel like that again--to walk into a room and find music playing so, "Hey. Think I'll dance."

Yes. Awesome moves.

Unimaginable

This family needs any help/prayers you can give. It could be any one of us at any time. Please go and read.

The Audacity of Hope

The ultrasound wand and I had our first (of this cycle) "moment" together yesterday. Nothing to report except I'm all clear to start this cycle. My RE is starting us with 4 vials (300 IU) of Repronex daily beginning tonight all the way through until next Tuesday night. I'll go in for bloodwork and u/s next Wednesday. I know that seems like a long span but if we know anything for sure about me it's that I'm quite slow to start. Doctor doesn't think I'll be 'ready' next Wednesday but we, of course, need to check. She (dr) said Wednesday, "So. . . just one more?"
"Yeah," I said, "but then--no offense--but you're never going to see me again."
Then she said, "You know you're going to end up with twins or more. . . you just make so damn many eggs."

I just smiled. What else could I say?

Part of me wishes I could get as excited and hopeful as I used to at the start of a cycle. The other part of me is perfectly fine with the self-preserving NON-excitement that I feel. Don't get me wrong. . . I want to think that this will be the cycle for us. . . that it sticks. . . that I never have to go crazy during another 2ww. . . that I never have to spend another DAMN DOLLAR on fertility medication. . . that I end up with a SWEET, chubby faced, kissable baby out of the deal. I'm not NOT hopeful. I guess I've been down this road one too many times to get too wrapped up in it all.

But I will pray. For a good cycle, for a positive test, for a long, healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. And I might hope--just a little.

It really is

This morning N was (slowly) getting ready for preschool. My husband works a very odd shift which means he's home for the first few hours of the morning. He likes to take that time on Tuesdays and Thursdays to take N to preschool. Recently N bestowed upon D his much-loved, broken-zippered Spiderman book bag from WAY back in 3 year old preschool. Last Thursday and again today, as N was getting his coat, hat & gloves (yes--these are all required when one wakes up to SNOW on April 1st. Not laughing, Mother Nature. . . not laughing) on D went running to my husband with his coat, hat . . . and Spiderman backpack. It was so darn cute. One of those 'I want to remember this forever' moments. He so earnestly wanted to go to school, too. So my sweet husband bundled him up so he could ride along. I smiled as I watched my 3 men leave the house, 2 of them proudly sporting back packs.

Life, really, is pretty darn good.

Remember R and R?

I'm feeling good after a little overnight getaway with my husband. Thanks to a short lived coupon code on Expedia, we were able to book a suite at the Doubletree for 42.00 on a Saturday night. Not too shabby! I can't tell you how long it's been since we were together in a hotel when there wasn't a doctor's appointment bright and early the next morning. We laughed when we realized my husband would actually get to do more than dangle his feet in the hot tub. Ha!

I really think every married couple (children or not) should make that kind of time for each other once in a while. It's especially important when you are undergoing fertility treatment. It's so easy to get wrapped up in all the money, medicine and waiting that's involved with that. I'm saying this (okay, typing it) out loud because I'm a smart girl. We've been through this before and I know how important it is. And still, we were surprised at how we were almost getting to know each other all over again this weekend. We drifted a little away from each other for a moment without even realizing. Infertility (and sometimes just day to day life!) can take so much from us. Don't let it take away that special something that made you want to have a baby with that man/woman in the first place.

Make some time! You'll be so glad you did.

The post where my shoulder starts to feel better. . . and other stuff

Truly. . . not much to report. I'm feeling better. Mostly. I'll start a cycle in a couple weeks. That should be exciting.

The Easter Bunny left some cute boots for my little guy. He put them on immediately and I had to pry them off of his hot little feet tonight. They are giraffes for those of you who weren't sure. Complete with tails.

I thought maybe I'd have more to say tonight but I guess not. It's been a long day!

Thanks for stopping by! Come back again soon.

Is anyone reading this?

The post where my shoulder hurts. . .

So. One week ago today (last Monday) my husband, feeling a little burn out at work, declared that he was going to take a day of 'dependent care' (his employer allows a certain number of days for sick leave and they give a separate bank of time for the above mentioned dependent care. Kind of nice, I think. Anyway. None of us (his dependents) were requiring any kind of particular care, really, so we should have known that we were tempting fate. Has infertility taught us nothing about being careful about that???

The night before we had received an unwelcome few inches of early March snow. Add that to the couple-here-couple-there inches that had fallen at the end of February and you've got enough for a little sledding. Yes. You see where this is headed, right?

We bundled up (it was COLD) and hauled our 3 inflatable tubes and one plastic sled across the street to a large hill. My husband has taken the boys (N in particular) sledding on this hill countless times in the past few months. It's wide open space. There are a couple obstacles toward the bottom, however the sleds usually stop WAY before reaching that point. And we have N well trained to bail off if he is headed for something solid. I hadn't gone sledding as of yet this winter. Mostly because I was always being a bit of a party pooper. I would, however, enthusiastically watch from the front window while drinking a nice hot cup of chai tea. Monday was different, though. I was happy to have my hubby home for the day. . . happy to be extending our weekend together. We hauled ourselves and our sleds across the road and began to climb the hill. Great exercise!! All of us went down (N on the sled, hubby and D on a tube and me on another tube). Weeeeeee! Fun! We reached the bottom and D started fussing. A lot. He was unhappy (unusual for him--outside is his favorite place to be) and nothing we did seemed to help. Hubby decided that, since I hadn't had a chance to sled w/ N yet this winter, he would be the one to take D home--despite my insistence that I really (REALLY) didn't mind going home. I think my youngest child might have actually known something was going to go wrong. ESP, you know? Hence, the fussing.

N and I climbed the hill once more and raced down (this time we were both on tubes). Fun again. I was feeling great and thankful for a little one on one time w/ my older boy. It doesn't happen very often! At the top of the hill once again, N wanted to race and got a head start (I wasn't quite situated on my tube). I had the briefest flash of a bad feeling (nothing in particular--just a bad feeling--can't explain it) but chalked it up to my overprotective nature where it comes to my boys. Off I went down the hill.

I think I was about halfway down when I thought, "Ummmm. . . I'm going too fast."

The next thing I knew, I was lying face down in the snow. I was unsuccessfully trying to make my arms and legs work in unison to get me up out of the snow. And my head felt like it was on fire. Suddenly N was standing beside me, "Mommy! Are you okay?!!" "Get daddy." was all I could manage to mutter. Then my husband was beside me, feeling the back of my head, helping me to my feet and across the road. I kept insisting that I could just stand here and wait while he took the boys inside and then he could come back and get me. . . I wasn't making much sense.

Inside, I just wanted to lie down on the couch. My shoulder hurt like HELL, as did my head. I felt like I was thinking pretty clearly. N informed my husband that I started going backwards and "Mommy forgot to jump off like you're supposed to." Apparently what happened sometime after I told myself I was going too fast was my tube turned so I was going down the hill backwards. Still too fast. And I ran into a utility pole with the back of my head and shoulder.

A trip to the local ER revealed (after a CT scan and many xrays) a concussion. Supposedly no problem anywhere else. A hellish week went by and I visited our regular doctor (not affiliated w/ above mentioned hospital, thank goodness) Friday. She got me in to see an orthopedic dr that afternoon and he determined I have an ac separation in my shoulder. Nothing much to do but take ibuprofen, wear a sling and wait for it to feel better.

So. . . I'm waiting. Not so patiently. I'm finding how difficult day to day activities w/ small children are when one arm is quite useless and using the other arm too much makes the useless arm hurt.

I am, however, very thankful that I didn't end up with a head full of mush. That pole could have very well been the end of life as we know it. The CT scan revealed what we've known all along: I have a very thick skull. Literally. And it probably saved me.

Not the first time my thick headedness has gotten me out of a jam. But probably the first time it's truly saved my life.

Nothing to report

Except this.

Not 10. . . not even 1

It's funny to me that there are people in the world who get pregnant so easily. For instance, the four high school girls (one a freshman) that my friend teaches at the somewhat small-ish town we live in.

And let's not forget the trip to the Emergency Dept. that another young woman took recently (another friend works as a nurse there)--not because she was bleeding or in pain--but because she wanted to know how far along she was. She was 37 weeks, by the way. This was her first visit to any type of healthcare provider.

But I have 10 good sized follicles (10 possible eggs?) and I can't manage to get pregnant with one baby?* I just don't get it.

More meds have been ordered from ivfmeds.com (I swear that site was sent straight from heaven for infertiles who can't afford thousands per month in meds alone). B/C pills start tonight (have to shrink those residual cysts!) and we'll start this whole thing over again in 3-4 weeks. Yippee.

I guess the movie van will have to wait.

In other news everyone in my house is over the influenza that took over us last week! Yay!

Springtime can't arrive soon enough! I need to get outside and plant something! Somehow, some way, new life will spring forth as a result of my hard work. . . even if it is only in the form of a dahlia (and, yes, I know this isn't a dahlia--apparently I didn't take a picture of any of my dahlias last year).

















*I'm aware that I actually HAVE managed to get pregnant in the past. After all, I have 2 boys and 2 miscarriages to prove it. I just mean--in general--why is it so easy in some cases (where the circumstances seem less than ideal) yet we are prepared emotionally and financially for another child and we have to jump through hoops of fire trying to get one? That's all I'm saying.

Over Achiever

Our cycle was cancelled on Thursday.

Apparently my right ovary is very prolific (okay, okay, stop laughing). I had 10 follicles measuring between 17 and 23 (or 22--I can't remember now) mm's. I was to trigger and call w/ a period. We weren't instructed to abstain but I think that was a small oversight on the part of the RE. Not an indication to go ahead.

However. . .

We went ahead. Yeah. We're nuts.

Update on that subject in 14 days. . . but I might need to write about something else (ANYthing else) before then. You'll just have to wait and see!

Priorities

As my 5yr old climbed into the car the other day after a day at the babysitter's house while I was at my appointment and then (gloriously!! alone!!) shopping, he asked, "Hey, Mommy? Do you have a baby in your tummy?" *

"No. Not yet. Hopefully sometime soon."

"Awwww, maaaan. I wanted to get a new movie van!"

Yeah. We haven't yet made the switch to a larger vehicle. We're still driving our Maxima. I love our Maxima. I don't want to give it up. But I will. For another baby. And N is anxious to get a van with a DVD player in it. He's seen it in a couple friends' cars and thinks it's just the greatest thing. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Personally, I enjoy when the kids and I are driving down the road 'dancing' to the music on the radio as we exchange looks in the rearview mirror. I'm afraid that would all go away. But it's cute that he now refers to all vehicles w/ DVD players as "movie vans".

I did ask him if that was the only reason he was hoping for another baby in Mommy's tummy and he assured me that he wanted a baby AND a movie van.

Whew.

*Now while we don't fill him in on all the gory details, we do let N know that we are going to the dr. to try to get a baby in Mommy's tummy again. He doesn't worry, then, when Mommy has to go to the dr 100 times per week.

New year. . . New outlook

Boy. . . I'm not off to a very good start with this thing, eh? I have a whole bunch of posts brewing in my head but finding the time to actually get them down is a whole other thing. . .

Anyway, here's the latest:

On treatment: We are in the middle of a cycle. I go on Thursday for b/w & u/s so we'll know more then. Dr. is tentatively thinking we'll be ready to trigger either Friday or Saturday night. My estrogen levels have "never looked this good this early before" so my Dr. was encouraged by that. I was as encouraged as I would allow myself to be. It's a LONG way between here and actually getting pregnant. And actually staying pregnant--well--we'll just have to wait and see. I turned 34 last week. Isn't that when your eggs magically start to whither up or something? I just have 34 stuck in my head from some infertility book (or something) as the beginning of the end of my already-limited ability to make a baby. Tick tock.

On housing: We sold our other house!!!! Woo hoo! It was a short sale and when we signed papers we weren't sure how we were going to pay the taxes on the short sale (see previous post) but on December 23rd, the senate passed the bill we were hoping for and we won't have to pay taxes on the short sale now!!! Yippee!! It's been a while since I felt the future looking so bright. It's a good feeling! A great feeling. That was a wonderful Christmas present we received from, of all people, the U.S. government. :) Almost restores my faith in them. Almost.

On my boys: I love them. So much. Everything we've been through has been so worth it to see them grow and play everyday. It's amazing and wonderful to see that, despite the almost-4-years between them, they are so close and play so well together. They are constantly asking eachother for a hug and are VERY quick to defend eachother from any 'threat'--real or imagined. What I wanted so badly to give N--and was afraid I'd never be able to--was that type of friendship, of family. No matter what happens from here, N has D. D has N. And I get to watch.